That Girl I Love

I was newly in love with a girl who was scared of the mirror.

A traveller in search for the true meaning of life, I never knew that life was waiting for me right at home.

She was married. And she was happily married. And not to me. But I couldn't regret that.

Her happiness was evident in the deep dimples on her cheeks that never showed signs of relenting. Her smile would come fast and suddenly, like the sudden bright rays of the sun peeking from behind heavy clouds, and dissipating all gloom. Her smile had that power of illuminating my existence, robbing me of all my despair and grief, and my senses too.

But she never really saw herself in the mirror. She could never understand what I saw in her. Every time she stood before that silvered glass, all she'd see was a thin and lanky girl, with nothing attractive whatsoever, no talents, no looks, nothing.

And I would gape in awe. Sometimes. At other times, I would burst out in anger.

How could she not see what she really was. A brave, beautiful and insightful woman. How easily frustrated she could make me with her denials about herself. And I would become angrier for I couldn't show her, what she really was, how I beheld her! How I wished I could let her see herself through my eyes. She would never believe that she was beautiful, that I honestly thought so. She didn't like being praised, she didn't like being told that she was the light of my life. But she knew I loved her and that's all she would ever accept from me.

The mystery of it all was that she loved me too. Almost as much as she loved her husband. I knew that. But still it was different. There was something spiritual, almost primal in our strange love story. She couldn't do without me, like I couldn't do without her. But there was a difference.

A stark difference in that, that we had never seen each other.

Were we just a figment of our each others' imaginations? Or did we really exist?

Even if we didn't, our love did. I know it did. It was written in every word uttered, in every word that spilled out from our hearts. It was there in the mornings when we found solace in each other. It was there in the outraged anger at the injustice towards the other. It was bright in the words we left for the world to see. It was there in how it was us or neither. It was there when we took every single stride together. Her excitement in my achievement, my happiness in hers. Her pride in how I would change the world and my secret pride in how she made the world beautiful. Our co-ordinated actions through out the day, missing the other madly. Our loved shined in every moment that we spent together and away from each other.

But I was a mere human in love with a Goddess, I had my moments of failings too, moments that tarnished the purity of our love. Moments of viciousness, of a murderous intent. Why didn't I know her first?!

And moments of weakness, when I turned to the other woman in my life. I didn't love the other as much, but she was there to console, to heal when my love was with her husband. And I capitulated always, out of anger, bitterness and jealousy, and a want for what I didn't have. Missing her was a pain that made me too human. And impossible to bear!

But she was always there. In my mind, my heart, my soul. This strange world didn't exist without her.

But I could never have her. And not because she was in love with her husband. There was a much graver problem. An unscalable one. Us. What we were.

P.S. This is a work of fiction. A strange one but still. And should be treated as such.

P.P.S. To Regular Readers- Imagine: If the narrator is actually the writer, then who is the girl? With this in mind, go on read it again! I think the meaning and the gravity of the piece will change remarkably! :D Love, G. ;)

P.P.P.S. For those who don't understand, simply enjoy the post! Others, still need help?? I did say I'll help! See here! G.:)

Image Courtesy : crunkquotes.com

Staying Back

A Conversation with Self (Indecision?)

"You let them stride forward, let them die

You here to survive or give up in a fight?"

Placatory words or empty threats,

Couldn't budge him from the resting place.

"There was a duty to be done."

"Please don't sing that song,

It had already been sung!

Cowards maybe but they are still alive;

Dead are rejoiced but are unmoving

Remembered today, forgotten the next!"

"It's a done deal, no going back."

"Staying where you are will get the medal,

To be adorned over your dead mettle

Handed over to your widow

Nothing but a keepsake for the gone,

And you still want to stay on?"

'I'd die if I stayed alive when the children cry,

Die of shame of running away,

Die of being a fallen warrior.

I'd rather not breathe knowing what I didn't

I'd rather be dead knowing I gave my best

Of trying to save mankind, and life!

I will stay back, maybe to die,

But not just with a forgotten honor

Maybe in my last ditch try,

There will be one saved life."

N.B. People usually don't understand my poetry, it's not a problem if you don't either. :) Love, G.:)

Catharsis Part-IV: What a Start to a New Year!

Writing a post is not as easy as it was. I mean, I'm jealous of those people who actually have jobs and yet manage to dole out wonderful pieces of write for their blogs. I didn't write when I had time; blame Facebook. But now that I don't at all have the time, I miss MM like the pain of an old wound you had gotten so used to.

Last week, the first of the new year, I took a break that I was entitled to for over a year. And what a break it was! Wonderful place, breath-taking scenery, the coolest of weathers (the way I like 'em), engaging company, traveling in fast cars and me running 102˚F temperature. I hated it. And boy, we sure know to pick the trips. No internet connections as usual, evenings were spend playing cards and me under the blankets, as I had a tendency to be blown away by the sporadic gusts of wind. Dad's mobile web wasn't working, a bit later neither were the phone calls facilities active, my cousin's intelligent act of bringing is laptop backfired as the connection there also failed. Top it with trouble in 'paradise', thanks to the activities of the hospitable, nice and warm people who go by the name of Maobadi-s! Let's not go into details about the finer aspects of our trip, and skip over the punctured tyre that couldn't be changed, failing brakes, melting rubber, my hyper elder cousin, frantic relatives, tiffs back home, power failure, me as weak as a bamboo leaf in a storm, heat stroke at 5˚C weather, my cousin falling ill after me, my uncle with slip-disc, hundreds of cups of tea, broken stone roads, lunch-less short trips and slippery rocks around the waterfall, and let it suffice by saying, it was a memorable week-out with the newbies in traveling by car. Psst, we traveled around 700 kms one way to reach the place, which is at an altitude of 3100m (that was reached in mere 30 kms, with ~30 hairpin loops, needless to say how steep the ghat roads were!)

This week I joined a Project in my Department faculty's lab. I would have gotten a project anywhere but the only reason behind the decision was the people I know, friends I have working in here already. And fingers crossed, I am enjoying the work, till now. Though I'm  still more ecstatic about getting a day-off today. A friend of mine in the next to next lab asked me whether I was planning to do my PHD from here only, 'I have no idea why you are working so diligently for a damn project!', though she didn't tell me the short-cuts like how to work less for just-a-project, and its difference with projects in PHD. But I agree, always ask a lazy person for the shortest and the most efficient routes and planning of the work. Plus, job-delegation is another of my speciality and it's good when the other person you are working with thinks less work is equivalent to sacrilege. So, I'm happy with my working conditions.

I am working on yeast genetics and signaling on the interface of MAP Kinase pathways and cell growth. Using deletion mutants of Schizosaccromyces pombe lacking components of MAPK  signaling cascade, I have to over-express cdc25 of cell cycle to see the effect of the same on signaling and cell growth. Routine work till now, let's see whta happens post-transformation. Previous experiments tell me that I'd better be on my toes.

S. pombe: the fission yeast I'm working with.

But, I decided I want to be a house-wife erm, home-maker with servants at my beck and call and then sleep all day. When I wake up I want to blog, read and play. Though my fiance dashed my hopes saying we're aren't going to survive on single salary, just to make sure I work and he dangled the coveted Porsche as a bait over my head. People have this notion I'm brilliant and should be in lab, they just don't understand I'm expeditious and lazier than them. Anyway, even though I was really pressurized the last few months about having no project in hand, I'm very skeptical about my decision to join the lab. I was having a great time, sleeping and lazing all day long. And the worst part about working is I not only have to get up early in the mornings during winter (it's pretty cold in Cal), I have to take morning bathes too.


So, not telling my fiance, I'm trying to find options for me that will help me to earn money by staying at home. Suddenly I find Adsense a lucrative and shining path for easy money. Surely, there's some compensation of having a 100+ followers on my blog even though most are not readers! I wish I could also convert hours spent over Facebook, farming and tweeting into dollars (and spend them as rupees). Or I can even take over the theoretical aspects of the research work while delegating the actual tasks, experiments to others, and being involved only in observations and conclusions. After all, I do love the subject and enjoy it too. I just don't like the hours I have to keep! So, I am doubtful how good I will be working labs that too in a foreign country while doing my PHD... I guess, I'll have nothing better to do, and then I remember around $26,000 p.a.... well, that's incentive enough, I think! At least I won't be working Saturdays there, they won't make me!

"Dear God, I promise to make good use of them, just don't make me work too hard for it"

N.B. To Self: I wrote a post!!! G.:)


Image courtesy: ehow.com; ftp.cs.kuleuven.be; mckeogh.googlepages.com; blogs.poz.com